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January 2016

The Truth about Love | Sacramento Couples Counseling

As any teenager can tell you, falling in love is easy. What an adult will tell them is that it is the staying in love part that is more difficult. The whirlwind feeling of falling in love will not last forever and eventually a couples feelings will cool. If a couple does not take the necessary steps to work on their relationship, you can fall out of love just as easily as you fell in love.

Falling in Love

Most people find that falling in love is a passive experience for both parties. Your emotions take over and your brain chemistry changes when you are falling in love so that you need less sleep and you have more energy. Falling in love comes naturally and it is overwhelming for most.

Those feelings of intensity do not last forever though. Most studies report that this magical feeling will usually last an average of two years before it wears off. As that happens, some couples fall out of love with each other.

Falling Out of Love

Just as falling in love can be passive, falling out of love can be passive if you don’t fight for your relationship. As time goes on, many feel as though their relationship has gone stale and they worry about their future. Others question if they are with the right person.

Many couples will say, “We just fell out of love,” and that is correct for many who don’t put any effort in. It is at this stage that some couples who want to fight for their relationship seek couples counseling. Choosing to work through these feelings takes hard work and dedication but the end result is worth it.

If you and your partner are feeling the two year slump, contact me today to schedule an intake appointment and start taking your relationship to the next level.

Additional Communication Problems with Struggling Couples

The other day I came across an article by a Long Island psychologist Dr. Marc Shulman entitled “5 Communication Habits of Struggling Couples.” in the article, he discusses many common communication problems that affect others’ ability to rebuild their relationship, including:

  • Defensive Listening
  • Louder Talking
  • Insult Generator
  • Silence
  • Indifference

There is no denying that communication is often a problem in relationships, but I wanted to expand to talk about a 6th one: Namely, poor memory.

What is Poor Memory?

Poor memory may not sound like it is related to listening, but it many ways it is. Poor memory occurs when a partner is listening in a general sense, but they are encoding that information as though it “means” something else. Often when this happens, they recall that moment in the future (often in a fight, of course) in a way that was different from even the way THEY saw the event at the time.

In other words, even though at the time they were communicating well, their minds were so used to being angry and preparing for future fights that they were already coming up with ammo, and recording memories in a way that were different from the way they experienced it at the time.

What This Usually Means

This type of issue usually means that the fighting has gone on for a while, and that they are too set in their communication ways. Usually this is a clear sign that they need some type of intervention, whether it is a marriage counselor or something else, to make sure that they are learning how to change the way they see their relationship and learning how to communicate with their partner.